Losing someone special

Hey all, this post has a bit of a different feel but to me it's something that I feel that I need to talk about but it's not easy. Emotionally I'm quite a closed person, my best friend is probably the only one who will ever get a phone call from me crying spilling emotions everywhere.

Six months ago this week my life dramatically changed. I lost my role model, the person I respected most in the world and someone who has always been there for me. I lost my beautiful Nana to a stroke which caused a severe brain haemorrhage and 3 days later she left us. I was at her bedside from the moment she went into hospital and I was there when she took her last breath. I was broken. I watched this perfect woman diterate before my eyes so quickly and I honestly didn't know how I would cope in life without her.

My Nana was someone who was always there. At every birthday, Christmas, school holiday, even my nurse when I was poorly at school. You name it she was there. She was only ever at the end of the phone when I just needed to speak to her for any reassurance or just some comfort. I saw her so much she was a staple of my childhood and of me growing up. Over recent years as a teenager I was probably deemed uncool as I'd rather go round to my nanas for a cup of tea than shopping. Or at least I'd rather take my nan food shopping.

My nan was widowed 27 years ago, my Grandad died young from a heart attack. She fought on with her life after losing the only man she ever loved. I never quite understood as I had never lost anyone before, but after 6 months of not having her here I honestly have no idea how she coped. She continued to raise her children and grand-children, the willpower she must have had was extaordinary.  She never moaned about anything and just got on with it and gave us all the love in the world. She had a picture of my Grandad beside her bed and she kissed it every night and would say "miss you, George". We placed this photo in her coffin as we felt it meant great sentiment to her and to us.

I've been lucky enough to have never experienced death before, which is maybe why I've found it so difficult to cope with this. Although I didn't think it could get better, slowly it has. I don't have full understanding about death but I guess not a lot of people do. At first I dreaded everything that would remind me of her, but now I feel happy at memories and not sadness. I can remember all the good times now without feeling like I'm going to start crying and never be able to stop.  Our family support has been amazing. My mum has been a rock and even though she lost her own mum she managed to carry on with life. My mum must get that from my Nana,  strong women must run in my genes eh?
My brother and I held hands throughout her funeral as we were in equal amounts of pain. I've never seen him so upset which was utterly heartbreaking.

As cliche as it sounds it has been my family that has got me through. When I want to talk about nan and remember her I can with my mum, brother, uncle or aunty. My boyfriend and best friend are always there when I need a good cry and both of them have also been through similar experiences. I'm very grateful of that as I know there are so many people who can't have that level of support.
What I've learnt is that talking is key, remembering good times and time will make everything better.
It has given me a different view on life and I know that everything does come to an end so I need to live life to every extent.

If there is one person who is reading this and it helps then I'm happy, support needs to be shared.
Nothing or no one can ever replace someone who you lose. You will never forget them and you will miss them more and more everyday.

This has been hard for me to write and share. If you are going through something  similar I fully sympathise you and send you love.

"There's something about death that's comforting, the thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now" 

Love you always 

P.s look how beautiful she is